Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Church boner. Awkwardddd
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
