do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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