She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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