Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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