Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
