How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ladies don't puke and tell
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
