All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
