fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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