Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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