fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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