I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize