my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
