is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
