i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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