Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
