This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Vodka?
Forever.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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