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I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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