I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
