What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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