I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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