my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
