So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
