My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i would one night stand the shit outta him
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
