How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
