Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
