i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
