I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize