you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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