she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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