I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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