haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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