the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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