you would pick up someone in the library
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
