Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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