i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
