Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
tonight lets celebrate not being married
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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