I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I need a beard to bite.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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