Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
