Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
