I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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