It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
