took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
foreskin is a definite game changer
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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