Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize