I cannot find my penis.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
