Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
