You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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