Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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