How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize