Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
