I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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