my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
