Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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