How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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