Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
50% drunk capacity currently
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
