i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Congratulations! We have a period
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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