sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
