This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
