Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
