a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
