The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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